well they're just thoughts,

10:40 pm - saturday...

is going to be one of the hardest days of my life.
everytime ashton and i drive past your house to go feed jack i feel a knott in my throat. i have never lost anyone this close to me before.
i loved you like a brother. i know i wont be able to let go of ashtons hand for one second.
i miss you every single day. and ashton and i talk about you all the time. i cry almost every night...i have never grown so close to someone in such a short time. you had the most amazing energy and personality. you were so warm. and its nice just to talk to you. because i know that you watch over ashton and me. and i know you can hear me. it feel so unreal. everytime i see your name in my phone i feel like calling you. sometimes i do just to listen to your stupid larry the cable guy ring back thinggy. i will love& miss you every day of my life....

Current Mood: crushed

10:51 pm - happy easter!!!

its easter.
SPRING BREAK WAS BOMB. as fuck.
went to palm springs with ashton.
it was amazing,
and this past week i have just been hanging out with my boyfriend,
and enjoying everything, its just super.
but im REALLY. REALLY. REALLY bummed that i have school tomarrow.
i hate school.
that is all.

11:46 pm - updaaate

so. looking at the last few messges i was really angry.
i didnt really realize what an anger problem i honestly used to have.
more than anyone really knows.
but i guess thats all past me now. few things make me seriously pissed off anymore.
im still with caleb.
almost 9 months now.
wow.
haha
its amazing.
life is amazing.
and i went running today and im SO tired.
i have no idea how long it's been since the last time i really exercised.
but its been a long time.
i hope things only get better.
thats the only way i can really see them going right now.
because things just keep getting better with the bf.
and, im just trying to work on like. fixing some things with myself i guess.
but im not really in too much of a hurry. just gonna kinda chill with the way everything is right now.

Current Mood: cheerful

01:40 pm

today could be the last time i see my bf for a long time.
it really makes me want to cry.
everyone needs to really think about what they are doing while they are young,
because it can seriously effect you, not to mention everyone who loves you,
when you are older and perfect.




p.s. my car is the cutest mercedes everrrrr. i love it.
also. friday night i got too drunk and put a monster in my purse that wasnt closed all the way. FUCK ME. i almost ruined my $200.00 purse from london. wow. i deserve to die.

12:07 pm

im tired of being a bad kid. really. im gonna look back on this, when im older, and feel bad, about what a fucked up kid i am. and all my fucked up friends too. am i the only one who feels its time for a change? i want something more than this....

01:50 am - stole this from kaitlynnnn

You scored as Paganism. Your beliefs are most closely aligned with those of paganism, Wicca, or a similar earth-based religion. You may also follow a Native American religion. </td> Paganism 88% agnosticism 83% Buddhism 79% Satanism 71% Hinduism 67% Islam 58% Christianity 50% Judaism 38% atheism 21% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

01:22 am - these days....

....are a roller coaster of ups and downs.
some days im really reallllly happy.
then other days, the only thing that makes me happy,
is my puppy, my book and my bed.
even when my boy calls i have to ignore it.

i honestly dont understand why people are soooooo fucking dumb,
this is just a general statement, from some shit that has happened,
in the last couple of weeks.
honestly people. grow the fuck up. i honestly wish i could shoot each and every one of you most of the time. im kinda dissapointed in some of the people i called "friends" just by their actions, and things i have heard and been told. i mean you can never realllly believe what other people say, but, my ears are definatly open.....

we arent in 6th grade, and doing dumb shit to other people, or to impress other people doesnt make you look cool. just pathetic.

on a much lighter note, work is really fun. i love everyone, and these 2 servers, who are 18, invited me to go out n party with them, these girls are the sweetest.
anyways. the money isnt too bad either. my last paycheck, for 2 weeks, was $333.77


im getting my car i think this week.
its an old mercedes. its a light grey color. i think im gonna run it on vegie oil, since its a deisel and i can do that.


also, i have a cold. boooooo!!!

Current Mood: sick

02:59 pm - Europe...

im going!
in 2 hours.
im so nervous, and excited.
i wonder what its going to be like!
im really going to miss everyone.
especially him.
sorry to everyone i made plans with this past week,
it has been so hectic, and this trip just snuck up on me.
but, call me while im gone, and leave a message, and i will call you when i get home.
and we can hang and have funnnn.
duhh.
i donno how im gonna last in a foreign country with only my mom.
i hope we dont kill eachother.
byee for now.

Current Mood: curious

12:09 am - friends you can count on...

honestly. if i were in trouble. i would want a person like me or manda or jamie there.
i usually dont give myself much credit for helping people out, but today,
jamie, manda, and i busted a total girls fucking mission to help out mandas boyfriend. i work up, heard about all this shit, went to pick up manda, just threw my hair up and grabbed sunglasses, no makeup. nothing.

then we went to jamies, and got graysons car, and i risked getting caught and not getting my lisence until im 18, because i have no lisence, and graysons car has no fucking tags on it. not to mention getting in tons of trouble with my parents. and drove evryone around so we could clean up someone elses mess. not to mention putting gas in the car, and getting everyone food.

today realllly showed me how two-faced some people can be.
and how good my friends really are.

manda and jamie. i fucking love you little sluts.

03:16 am - boys boys boys....

...dont make good friends.
or atleast not with me.
i honestly donno what to do.
i talked to kenzie for a few minutes today, it helped.
but then, after she gave me advice on how to deal, with my guy friend, who wants to be more than just friends, but im sooooo not interested, sure enough, 2 more of my guy friends, simply dont understand that they are just friends. and one actually kissed me! and they KNOW i have someone.
i mean, its nice to have people like me, who doesnt like attention like that.
but honestly, im fucking over it, seriously. i already have a boyfriend. i just want fucking FRIENDS.

oh, also, since im on this little rant, and slightly pissed, im just gonna clear the air right now. I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER.
and seriously everyone needs to fucking stop asking me about it and making comments about it and trying to shove food down my fucking throat. i eat more than anyone i know, if you spend time with me, or smoke with me(lol) you will see that. i lost weight naturally. its called growing the fuck up. it happens. at first, it was nice that people thought i was that skinny, and i realize that its only because people care about me, that they are trying to make sure im okay, but everyone has seriously asked me MULTIPLE times. when i tell you the first time i fucking meant it, i didnt get any skinnier from the first time i told you until now. so everyone just stop fucking making comments about my weight and my eating habbits. i mean, people at work are even starting to say shit to me, and i dont even know them, its none of their business. so. to end this. i dont have an eating disorder. mind your own fucking business. end of story.k.thanks.bye.

Current Mood: pissed off

02:54 pm - my baby

is the cutest boy in the whole wide world.

10:29 pm - summmerrrrr

thursday was my last day of school.
im a junior now. yay.
i went to the beach thursday with taylor chad and kaitlynn,
and totally got owned by the sun.
im sooo burned
i actually got sun poisoning,
and,
was realllllly dehydrated,
im so miserable,
and i know kaitlynn is right here with me.
hahah.
still had fun thought.
tomarrow im gonna go see mickey avalon at the roxy for my birthday with daniel.
im soooosososoosososososoo excited.
its going to be fucking amazing.
pure sex im sure.
yessss<33

Current Mood: excited

07:06 pm - my friends are amazing.

freaking tight ass weekend.
the only thing missing is pictures of alex and kaitlynn and george. they are sadly absent from pictures. donno why. haha.
my mom said im "out of control"
i can see where she would say that.
but, im really not.
i promise.
i am gonna try and cool it though.
there are only 2 more weeks until summer,
and i dont wanna screw anything up.
the weather is prefect.
and i can already tell. this summer is gonna be amazing.
im going to party every night.
end of story.

Current Mood: drained

10:29 pm

these past couple have weeks.
have been some of the best.
new friends, that become really good friends, are the best.
and im simply addicted to the beach.
im really not interested in looking for a boy right now.
im actually really happy just being with myself and my friends.
boys are just kind of annoying me.
and i used to think i was really affectionate.
but these past couple of weeks with boys, have showed me that im really not comfortable AT ALL with public affection.
like, i am comfortable with my friends and their bf's and all.
like kaitlynn and george, or kayte and charlie, im comfortable around them.
but, when im with a guy that im seeing, even him holding my hand makes me kinda feel akward.
maybe im just not comfortable with that person really?

-also, im finding that im thinking about past boys less and less.
my mind is sorta occupied with other things, and im really glad.
even though these other things are stressfull, they are alot easier to deal
with then other peoples emotions. or even my own really.

but sometimes its nice just to always have someone there.
but, for right now, im fine with that someone being just a friend.

Current Mood: content

11:40 pm

If life's not beautiful without the pain,
well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.

04:18 pm - hahahaha

this weekend was pretty bomb.
friday. cinco de drinko.
went to newport with ali and jenna.
lacrosse game.
fucking intense.
they seriously hit eachother with metal sticks for fun,
anyways.
we rented a hotel room,
and got alcohol of course.
that was pretty fun.
i slept on the floor with andrew, and he was holding me so tight i swear he cut off my flow of air.
i donno why he was holding me so tightly, but i actually had a bruise on my hand, from him holding my hand so tightly,
and he kissed me on the forhead when he left.
what a sweetie.

saturday night was aloot of fun.
went to daniel's party, with like, my entire school.
had way too much ketal 1
and when i say way too much,
i mean way too fucking much.
and of course, my legs are covered in bruises.
phil was there, i ignored him the whole time
and i guess Ali bitched him out before i got there.
thanks girl.
me and katie had to walk around with eachother and use the others body to stand up.
my dad knows i came home an hour later than i was supposed to, but, meh, i dont think anyone really cares.
me and katie took pics with a bunch of random guys. haha
and i need to get the pics me and katie took from her.
those should be interesting.
hahah.
i woke up this morning, at like 5, for something, and was still a little drunk. so i went back to bed until like, 2. haha.
yah. it was a good night.

Current Mood: crazy

09:40 pm - "oops".... we made a raver

friday was fun. went to jamie's and such.
but saturday.
ooo saturday.
i went to my first rave.
not your average experience.
all my guy friends rave alot, so they know alot of people.
scotts boss got us all in for free. with VIP badges and wrist bands.
all of our friends were working security.
and john wanted to hang with this other group of his friends,
who just so happens to be the Asian Boys.
incase you donno.
they are as really big gang.
we pretty much had a whole cornor of our rooms to ourself.
we didnt have to pay or wait for anything.
i got sooo much free stuff offered to me.
and i danced and danced until like 5 in the morning.
it kinda sucked though, cause im the only girl in the group.
so all the guys feel like its their responsibility to take care of me.
so anytime they were around, they had one of the asian boys as like, my body guard.
there was this on guy Grouch, who wasnt asian at all.
and his name is grouch cause hes really mean looking.
but he is absolutly the sweetest guy ever.
and, within like, 5 minutes of being there, john got in a fight,
and punched some guy in the throat.
it was Ray's birthday, who is the leader of asian boys.
so, alot of people were coming up trying to kiss ass and say hi.
and we were dancing and some guy accidently pushed me, and grouch and the other guys noticed,
and freaked out, and pretty much tried to beat the living crap out of this guy,
but i lied and said he didnt push me, cause thats kinda scary.
we left LA at like, 5:30 in the morning.
i saw a kid from my school there, which was really funny.
and i just had soosososoososoo much fun.
im SO going to one next week.
and i just danced for hours and had so much dancing dancing with all my friends,
and all the lights, and the people are so nice.
like, 4 people came over just to tell me that they thought i was beautiful or gorgeous.
one of the bestest nights ever EVER!!!<33333
except that im only running on 3 hours of sleep.
went to sleep at 10, had to wake up at 1.
oh well, i suppose i will make up for it tonight.
even though i feel so dead today.
but it was so worth it.
like.
wow.
<3333

Current Mood: crazy

02:15 pm - if life is a movie. we are all actors.

and at one point in life, everything feels right.
the music, the lighting, the actors.
and you look around and think, " this is going to look great on the DVD."





-so, pretty much. life is amazing.
last night was st. pattys day. and when we were celebrating charlie's 19th birthday.
so we got to party twice as hard.
FUCK YAH.
i had so much fun.
we went to ramseys house, and hit the hookah alllll night.
did shots, of rasberry absolute, and captain somethings spiced rum, and smirnoff and there was beer, and just alcohol everywhere. if there had been weed, it would have been heaven.
everbody did body shots. and double shots. and justchugged.
so much fun.
this morning, had the worst headache ever,
since all the guys last night thought it would be fun to
pick me up and spin me around and pretty much just carry me around like a rag doll.
fun last night. not right now.
i broke curfew again. and didnt get caught.
oh dang.
im good.
we found a route to ditch all sobriety checks.
charlies the man.
but i still woke up hungover.
but of course, bagel me cures all.
and my mom wanted me to drive today.
so, the first time i drove with my permit was hungover.
nice.
but i didnt kill anyone, so im good.
over all, the best st. pattys day i have ever had.
i hope things just get better.

and i feel really hyper right now, really motivated, i cleaned my room and i think im gonna start on my makeup work for school.
where did this sudden spurt of motivation come from?
maybe just cause im happy?

Current Mood: bouncy

09:07 pm - siiick

im sick. =[
i have step throat.
i missed school today and yesterday.
normally that would make me happy,
but i know im going to have so much makeup work.
and i feel so overwelmed and behind already.
im really nervous about going back to school.
but i was SO sick.
yesterday, whenever i got out of bed,
i thought i was going to throw up.
i had a temp. of 102 and everything hurt.
i went to the doctors,
and i mean,
normally they say mayyybe you have something,
but they have to do the test and see. not this time.
she just looked down my throat and knew right away.
i cannot remember the last time i was this sick.
my back, neck, throat, and head hurt so bad.
even my skin hurt.
it was insane!
today i felt alot better,
but my mom wanted me to stay home today,
just to make sure i got rest n stuff.
and. i got a nice visit from a very sweet boy =]
he brought me my faaaavorite (flame broiler)
and a movie, and kept me company the whole day.
and i feel SO much better. haha.
it was a nice day.
so its hard to regret staying home.
but, i feel so behind, its like. eh.
haha. nothing i can do about it now i suppose.
i hate being sick!
i guess charlie is sick too.
i hope hes better by tomarrow,
because that would suck for him to feel sick at his birthday party.
or well.
belated birthday party.
and its st pattys day.
and i know we are all get party SO hard.
and he wont be able to do that if hes sick.
but, im excited.
friday nights gonna be like.
drink.drank.drunk.
fun.fun.fun.

Current Mood: excited

08:42 pm - SO, i just noticed....

Current Mood: guilty